City of Legends

An older poem of mine, back before there was air and sunshine and opposable thumbs, was entitled across the stars and lovelost.  It was about the hollow feeling I had after my breakup with Psyche.  It was stark, ragged, jagged and brutal.  And cathartic.

Those were simpler times, the world seemed much less complicated to me, then…and it was.

Now, having made it through five years of elective celibacy (okay, not completely elective, I would have ended it for one right person…but the fates have a sense of humour that even I can laugh about when the wounds begin to heal) I find myself no less fascinated by love and romance and the urge to merge.  I had thought these years would purge me of that surge of adrenaline and testosterone I get when I see or hear or imagine or smell a woman (not taste or feel, mind you, that would be going over a line…).  They haven’t.

My powers of intellect and emotion seem undiminished.  My writing seems as on point, if not more so, than ever.  But I find myself strangely becalmed.  Jazz, the other day, told me that I could and can do anything I want, have anything I want in this life (she went further than that, but let’s keep this sane) and she wondered why I was allowing myself to dwell in the grey.

I told her it is because of the nature of this beast.  Whether by nature or nurture, I need the seed, the inspiration, the muse, to kindle and sustain the fire.  To write the arcane equations that will trigger the mad reaction that will spark the conflagration that becomes the immolation in which I dwell in my purest, surest form.  There are some, as we speak, dancing at the edge of the circle of light the fire I dimly shed at this time sustains, but none have stepped into the light and declared themselves.  As couer rage is a requisite in a lover, I can not go and drag one into the light, they must step of their own accord.

And thus I wait.  Perhaps until the next moment, or next day, or next year or even unto the next life (where there is one who has sworn she’ll be waiting for me, but she had a problem with keeping her word in this life…not counting on it).

Until then, I am once again across the stars, looking for something dimly lit in the soundless vacuum of the space between dreams.