City of Legends

Originally posted to a friend’s blog, these drew so many hits that it crashed her server.  We’ll see how it goes here…

Ladies, ever wonder what it takes to get a man to "go home" with you?  I present you the list of sure-fire pickup lines that will get any and all but the most fussy, discriminating or already hopelessly in love man to be putty in your hands…okay, not putty…well, at least not for the first 15-20 seconds.

*"Hi" (This line works on 95% of all males, who just need you to acknowledge their existence to assume you want them)

*"My younger sister and I have been wanting to try a threesome ever since she graduated Catholic high school last year. Would you be willing to help us?" (This works on those remaining 5%)

*"Buy me a drink and I’ll mount you like a lumberjack." (Best delivered naked and/or with exaggerated pelvic motions)

*"You have no idea the burden it is being a supermodel and a virgin." (Works best if you look like a supermodel, but most guys presume any woman over 5′7" is a supermodel)

*"I have video games in my bedroom"  (I have heard of people actually using this line, or variants)

*"I won’t even ask your name." (This works well on married men, celebrities and escaped convicts)

*"You may be a total wanker, but I can change that for one night." (A touch sarcastic, but charitable)

*"Premature ejaculation makes me hot." (Younger men appreciate the grace)

*"I have beer in my car." (Some guys have really weird priorities…)

*"I’ll tell your friends you were fantastic, regardless of how you really were." (Underachievers like good press)

*"My real name is Denise, but my stage name is Viagra McHoover." (A bit subtle, perhaps)

*"My boyfriend cheated on me last week with my best friend. Do you have any good ideas as to how I could get back at him?" (Slow witted men may have problems with this one, but if you draw them a picture…)

*"Whatever you’re thinking of, the answer is ‘Yes’" (This helps them get over their fear of rejection)

So there it is, ladies. Now you can finally go down to the local pub, biker bar or college fraternity house with a real chance at waking up tomorrow with a headache, no underwear and a raging case of something there is no known medical cure for.

Good hunting!

I love the spam filters I use here and at the office to strain out the truly garbagenous junk mail sent my way.  Living above the line, on the grid, I get into and onto a lot of mailing lists, some which make no sense, but I love the butchery of the English language, the corkscrew logic and the naked appeals to my naked appeals used by those who endanger the entire intenet infrastructure with their laughable mass mailings.

Some actual recent subject matters from unsolicited emails caught by my spam filters:

Being well-endowed is the greatest gift the nature can give a man

And I thank it often, thank you.  Anyone else catch the "the" instead of "that"?  Also, I thought that life itself, or maybe intellect, or a soul, or sentience would be the greatest gift. 

Get a watch your wrist would be proud of.

Er, my wrist does not have a separate personality from me.  I don’t wear watches.  Especially not ones that would turn my skin green.

One little berry can bring great results in weight loss process

I get the feeling it will take more than one little berry, and why are you talking like a Cossack?  Actually, it is funny to see how many of these emails, when you break them down, come from China and Russia.

You would never have to travel South if you had a bigger shaft

I like traveling South, thank you very much.  Besides, there can be "too big"…then you are stuck "traveling South".  Or dating Tila Tequila.

Acai Elite burns your fat with the speed of light.

God, I hope not, that sounds painful, and a little obvious.

Our drugstore can become your personal doctor

I used to be involved with someone who was like that.  Did them no damn good.

I guess, all in all, I am just cynical.  But I have to save my money for my friend, the Nigerian Prince, who is helping me move money his late Uncle left to him.

I just wrote a cute piece comparing the ebb and flow of my inspirational muses to the stock market, but decided it was insensitive to many, so I deleted it.

Just wanted to let you know, though, that we put some time in on it…pretty interesting stuff, just not for public consumption.  Check my archives when I am gone.

I am waiting to hear back from the people in charge of, or at least involved in customer service for, Amazon’s Kindle publishing.  I have two issues, but still not so much as a low, plaintive moan to indicate anyone has received, read, reacted to or resolved my emails.  The sad thing is that the party line from Amazon (slogan:  "Look out, there are llamas!") is that the book(s) will be fully processed within 12 to 72 hours.

That’s issue #1, as it is bearing down on 96 hours for The Compleat Panther Cycles and it is, as yet, only listed in a sort of "coming soon" status by Amazon (slogan:  "Home of lots of slightly used Segways!").  Annoying, as I usually depend on my business associates to be a bit insane about deadlines.  But, who knows, maybe the size of that massive volume is slowing things down.  I wouldn’t know, as they are not talking to me.

Issue #2 is the self-service interface for transferring your previous published book.  I overlooked a field and it dutifully warned me to fix it before it accepted.  Good for it!  Thank you, Amazon (slogan:  "Eat hot flaming muppet death, mom and pop bookstores!").  But when I filled in the wayward field, the form reset the title of the book to a generic "New book 1" or something to that effect, which I didn’t catch.  How do I know I didn’t forget it the first time?  Trust me, I was going nuts trying to decide whether to use the short form of As such or the long form of As such…romantic poems of rebirth or the really, really long form of  As such I get dumped again right after putting a woman on the cover of a book, which Amazon (slogan:  "We’re really big and personally know Stephen King, bitch all you like!") would not appreciate as I have found large, detached and quasi-automated corporations do not appreciate irony.

So I immediately fired off a strongly worded request to allow me to fix the mistake caused by their semi-user-friendly interface, but still, after 72 hours, all I can show for the request is that book, as well, is now listed in a "Hey, look at me, I’m about to be available…someday" status, with the silly, generic name.

So I have held off releasing the other two books I was going to release last weekend to them, while I wait for some sign of life from Amazon (slogan:  "Our rainforests burnt to the ground by wildcat land speculators.  Take that, Al Gore!").

Sigh.

The viral video of the Durex Condom ad which I put on this blog yesterday generated a few emails and comments.

Yes, it features cute little, brightly coloured balloon animated animals engaged in various sexual activities and positions, as well as in a three-person bisexual encounter and obvious mutual oral sex, complete with interesting sound effects.

But that’s the point.  If you did the same advertisement with real actors, it would not be usable on, at least, American television (not sure it is anyway…any sightings of it?).  I find it in far better taste that the Cialis, Viagra and various beer commercials we find on sporting events.

And it is funny.  Funny.  Funny. 

I am not a fan of condoms.  I grew up in a time where they were considered irrevocably low class and a sign of disease-ridden promiscuous teenagers.  But, with the advent of life-threatening and chronic STDs (thank you, 1980’s so very, very much) to which I have lost friends to, I understand their function and purpose.  Even in a seemingly monogamous relationship, can you ever be too certain that your partner?  I have some stories to tell that have happened to me, and to others, that would uncurl your pubes.

But, again, I digress.  Enjoy the cute little balloon animals (they seem to be enjoying themselves and each other) and laugh a little, would you.

To my friends and neighbors, a brief word in the battle against STDs:

Thank you. And of you think I am going to publicly dedicate this to anyone in particular, you are nuts.

I saw this new strip from Kris Wilson and had to share it.  Having been romantically involved with or married to no less than a half-dozen addicts of various stripes (including just good old fashioned chain smokers) I laughed out loud as I saw this.  Kris, you still the man.

Once again I draw, with permission, from the well of the noticeably deranged Kris Wilson…

Want to laugh so hard you can’t explain yourself to the person in the next room? Three great stress releases, you know, and laughter is one of them (It’s one of the two I clearly remember).

The mountain of talented and celebrated people who contribute to this hopelessly subversive site, home to the legendary "Landlord" video clip, don’t always hit the target head on, but it refreshing to know they are still willing to share even the raw and rough stuff.

http://www.funnyordie.com

Be prepared to laugh. Or die. Or both.

Yes, I have been slow lately…trying to catch up with everything at once! Again, I give you the gifted madness of the great Kris Wilson:

As Jay Leno getting a primetime variety show five nights a week is, I am certain, one of the signs of the Apocalypse, perhaps I should post more often to make sure I get everything said that needs said? Is NBC that bereft of new ideas or cash they have to go for this idea? And do they feel the need to scuttle Conan O’Brien in the process? They have to realize the damage this will do to his launch.

Anyway, just a digressive rant before I launch into my latest babble. I just got back from the post office. Yes, it is Christmas time and only the truly desperate and insane go to the post office this time of year, but I had promised Mariya I would send her some of my books as a Christmas present and I have a pretty good track record for at least trying to keep my word over the last decade or so. Yeah, that’s Mariya in the picture. It’s just one of her pictures we’ll be featuring on the Amomancer blog and at williamfdevault.com, for those of you who care. Stop staring.

As I stood in line I was struck by the diversity of the people who were mailing obvious Christmas presents. Old, young, of every nationality and, most likely, every creed, as Christmas is not a religious holiday anymore, at least not in the US, but more of a cultural holiday. Some of the most hardcore Christmas-keepers I know are atheists or at least of a religious bent that they do not believe in Jesus as anything more than a marketing ploy on the level of Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.

I dare say many of them believe in Energizer Bunny more than they believe in Jesus. But Christmas, in and of itself a bastardization of the Roman Saturnalia feast in order to keep converting members of the Roman polytheistic faiths from missing a big holiday, much as Hanukkah was not a big deal until there was a perceived problem with Christmas becoming an impediment to those who tried to keep their kids in the Jewish faith, is victim of its own successes and excesses.

Aside from a marvelous recitation from the Gospel According to St. Luke by the character of Linus at the end of "Merry Christmas Charlie Brown" and the occasional "God bless" in Dickens’ "A Christmas Carol", where does religion enter into our "keeping of Christmas"? We can buy as many overpriced Christmas cards with crosses on them (and let’s not even get into the perversity of the notion of remembering Jesus by making a graven image of the device that was used to torture Him) but does that really get the message across in this mind-numbing media festival we have made of it?

And no, having Donald Trump and Martha Stewart recite "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus" on a TV advertisement is NOT the spirit of Christmas. Yeah, I know when I think of the real Spirit of Christmas and Christian charity, there’s two people who belong right up there with Mother Theresa and Albert Schweitzer.

As a Southern Baptist turned Quaker (after a very brief stay with the Episcopalians, which almost sounds like a political movement to support a Joe Piscopo/Sarah Palin ticket in 2012 on the web) I have seen a fair range of views on the subject. Is it really offensive enough to those who may be offended by saying "Merry Christmas" or even "Happy Holidays" to forego it? I worked with a woman who took umbrage at my habit of saying "God bless you" when someone coughed. She had nothing against me saying it when someone sneezed, but she went off on me over my saying it to a cough. People who wish to find offense can get offended by anything.

I think people do need to be sensitive to other people’s beliefs, to be sure. But, despite the fact that I am offended by the wearing of idols of torture devices (crosses) and even with Jesus still nailed to it, dying in agony, (crucifixes), you do not see me out on the street, giving lip to everyone who doesn’t see anything wrong with it. We need to learn that the world does not revolve around us, our beliefs, our culture.

Be a little more understanding, a little more accepting. Especially, this time of year! After all, it’s Christmas…er, Kwanzaa…um, Hanukkah…Saturnalia…Solstice? Sheesh.

Peace (disclaimer: My use of the word "peace" is not to be interpreted as an attack on or criticism of the US Military, the Military-Industrial Complex, urban militias, state-sponsored terrorist groups, the films of Sam Peckinpah, or gangs operating out of any neighborhood, city, state or country in or on the Planet Earth or to express any dissatisfaction with the conduct of any invading alien races, up to and including those with god-like technologies and/or tentacles. It is not meant in any way to mock the discrepancy between Christian theology and US foreign policy or to make issue of the military career of Alvin York or the post-football career of OJ Simpson. If you have read this far you may need to get a life but if you have read this and understand all the references and subreferences included in this disclaimer you are a good person and should be applauded, even if I disagree with your political, sociological, philosophical or theological belief system and I will defend your right to hold, espouse and express it.) Selah. Now stop staring at Mariya, you’re making her nervous.