memories may be beautiful and yet
Posted by William F. DeVault | Filed under Brigit, Journal, Karla Sasser, Memoir
I had to tell this anecdote before it grew cold in memory.
Or so I thought.
I shared it with the person it most involved and they had concerns about how they came off in it. So I rewrote it. Still not perfect…and I hate the notion that anything I might say could be construed as intentionally cruel or harmful to another person’s reputation. If you have to be cruel to others to have your own way, you need to re-evaluate your life and your goals, as you are still a failed experiment.
So…no anecdote, at least not now. I thought back to my memoir that I recently blasted to atoms. A lot of stories in there that make me, and others, look like themselves, but not in the best lights. The lesson isn’t supposed to be about people feeling bad about who they are or what they have done or been perceived as being, saying or doing, but rather that we are all human and everyone falls down…or is thrown down.
Maybe one day I will again write that memoir. When I have something interesting to say about love and life and poetry. When I know the answers to a few of my more nagging questions about who or why or when. Too many of those right now.
I left the tags on this one after pulling out the anecdote, to drive everyone crazy.
the world’s longest one word blog entry
Posted by William F. DeVault | Filed under Evangelist, Journal, Karla Sasser, Thoughts about Life
I was going to show solidarity today with an organization that has asked its members to pick a day and do a single-word blog post, but I got sidetracked. Maybe tomorrow.
I got a note today from an old friend, praising the tracks they had heard off of Evangelist, most notably Kitabu, and pre-supposing that the title cut to the CD was going to be an expression of anger or remorse.
Ha!
First off, I don’t have time for anger in my day…I get angry, when I must, for seconds at a time. You can blink and miss my anger (be thankful, it isn’t pretty). My view of the human emotional palette is that it contains three primary colours; love, rage and fear. Love has an outward vector, by its nature it is dynamic, as it generally means there must be some kind of flow outward to express it. Rage (or anger) and fear are different, you can bottle those up inside until they eat a hole in your intestines. I have enough forces acting against me in the universe, I try to keep those two (rage and fear) out of my life. They are disabling elements.
No, Evangelist is more an expression of how powerful love is and the aspects of love as they impact us. I speak of the futility of not loving or of loving for its own sake, but not with anger or fear. It’s an interesting cut.
I got slapped around a bit yesterday by the Mad Gypsy herself, Karla Frances Sasser, in the course of a wide-ranging discussion of our former involvement and why it didn’t hold. It was interesting to find out that she and I hold different definitions of what it was, and different perspectives on what went wrong. Then we discussed the empath’s role in finding disastrous liaisons. Empaths should not touch. Anything.
and the first track shall be…
Posted by William F. DeVault | Filed under Evangelist, Journal, Karla Sasser
Evangelist. It sets the tone and the bar. Sort of my We Will Rock You.
Then I will daisy chain The Taste, Love Gods and Brisant Revelations.
Hmmm…that works, in a good way. Yessssssss…I feel like Calvin, having just eaten the radioactive waste. (Everyone who got that, give yourself a pat on the back).
Karla is making an evil cackling sound at the thought of providing Twist some questions for the interview. Poodle Skirt is getting frisky, and I got my Skype headset out of mothballs. And remembered one of my favourite lines from one of my more obscure poems Memory of a Blindman’s Illusion:
"every woman dressed in red had slept with me before.
and every woman dressed in black lay dying on the floor."
I also dropped a note to alt model Shye, who worked with me previously to dress up my old site, I am going to see if she will lend me her face and body (stop thinking that way, you have a dirty mind) to expand certain pages.
lots of time with lots to do
Posted by William F. DeVault | Filed under Aubergine, Evangelist, Journal, Karla Sasser, Tales of the Amomancer, Video contest
No, I did not get 100 links up yesterday. Thanks for noticing. To quote Wesley in Wanted: What the fuck have you done lately? I may get that tattoo’d across my forehead.
I ran into the situation of how to have 100 links without unbalancing the page. Will have to scratch my head a bit on that one. Slept well, slept hard, have begun sleeping past 4 am (good sign).
Today: Finish cleaning up loose ends, spend a few hours having anxiety attack over how good the Evangelist cut is going to be/not be.
Closing in on completing the tag indexing of Amomancer. Starting from now and working back, there was an imbalance. Starting at the back and moving forward, we are getting a more balanced picture of my catalog posted.
Someone wrote me about the use of Aubergine as a muse-tag, particularly on Amomancer. Bite me. This is to pave the way for the book Aubergine, which is to be the final words that began with As such… Regrettable, but while stupid dogs stick around and bite when kicked, smart ones fold their tents and move on. The last one out is not a quitter, they are an idealist, a romantic. I can live with that legacy. By the way, ahem, the apology was not for the relationship, it was for disbelieving an informed warning. Don’t make assumptions when dealing with me. You’ll be wrong more often than not.
And try not to read too much into the recent spate of KFS oriented poetry. She’s a friend I was once romantically involved with, one of the most honorable and brave people I know, as well as being an excellent writer. And, last time I checked, she had a boyfriend….who knows about us and our track record. She has never re-invented herself, ever. That’s class. That’s integrity.
Anyway, I have a lot of things to do…more to do than I had on Friday…as new stuff comes in faster than I can juggle. But that’s the way…uh huh uh huh…I like it…uh huh uh huh.
Working on a logo…and waiting for the last-minute video entries everyone is promising me…two weeks until deadline.
contemplation
Posted by William F. DeVault | Filed under Affirmation, As such, Candy Tothill, Dan McTaggart, Dante, Elric, Evangelist, Evangelist Tour, Jezika, Journal, Karla Sasser, Larry Jaffe, Michele Beschen, Peri, Pink Jade, Poetry, The Faerie, Thoughts about Life, music, podcast, the Selke
The drive to see my parents (I am in to actually see my 95 year old Grandmother, who is in failing health) is always an interesting time, as it allows me buffered time to think out loud. Usually I get a lot of thinking and writing and sonic experimentation on the 3-1/2 hour trip.
This morning was no exception. It started as a ramble, dealing with lyrical issues on the new Evangelist CD, but then segued into an examination of my life over the last year. A lot has happened, many events and elements I could not have foreseen. Some gentle, some brutal.
All in all, I have come to a conclusion. This is one of the best years of my life.
I have reconnected with old friends I had no expectation of ever hearing from again. I have taken public stands on the issues of the day, been recognized for these stands, and made connections with people who have the power to affect things. I have loved openly and with abandon a woman who loved me in the same manner. I have broken some bad habits, written some great poetry, recorded some interesting material to posterity, helped a few friends get elements of their lives in order, saved at least two lives (according to the individuals) and published a remarkable book. I’ve learned new words and concepts, examined my own failings and picked splinters from my metaphorical ass.
There have been some downer days and strange pains, but when the scales are weighed, I have to say that if every year was as remarkable as this one, I would be the luckiest man alive. Most people do not live as much and as well in an entire lifetime as I have lived this past year.
I thank all of you who have shared this voyage with me, from the most vocal of friends to the saddest stalkers. From the constant to the mercurial, from the inspiring to the oppressive. From those who will still be a part of my life next year and for years and decades to come, to those who have now passed back into the grey.
I thank you all with profound and spiritual gratitude and wish only to say that, while I compiled a massive list of names to include here, I shall not. Some secrets are best kept. While I won’t lie to you, I will withhold that which would force others harm or pain.
I have some great ideas now to finish up those damn final tracks on Evangelist, and am looking forward to tomorrow with great hope, joy and peace.
I have no quarrel with any of you. If you have with me, that is a measure of you, not me. Being loved and respected is not a measure of a person, loving and respecting others is.
Namaste.
Mama said there’d be years like this
Posted by William F. DeVault | Filed under Elric, Evangelist, Evangelist Tour, Journal, Karla Sasser, Thoughts about Life
In the last 48 hours I have encountered more Ghosts of Christmas Pasts than I thought existed. Old friends (and a few not so friendlies) emerging from the ether to speak of things that they felt I needed to hear, or at least they needed to say. And it is all good.
I’m not going to pretend the past year has been anything short of a proving ground for some principles and philosophies. I’ve failed on a few, won on most of the rest and am still waiting the sound of falling shoes on a couple. All in all, a stellar year, and one I will remember fondly (believe it or not).
My dear Mother is prone to say that I am the sort of person who can fall in horse shit and get up smelling roses. She’s right. I may have my dark times, usually when I am in pain of a physical or spiritual nature, but I am pretty durable and amazingly optimistic. I perceive hate, fear and rage as venoms against me, even when I am their source, and thus I don’t let them stick around long. They do their damage, I heal and hope I learned something from the encounter that will reduce the likelihood or intensity of the next meeting.
You can condemn my methods, my talents and even my results, but that merely means you have issue with them. I won’t deny I’ve screwed a few things, a lot of things, up and badly. But on the whole, if you assemble in a room the 100 people who know me best and have seen me in my broadest spectrum, I am content I get an acquittal, and maybe even a round or two of applause for the effort.
The mere fact I am right now pondering the logistics of assembling such a group indicates how daft I can be. The second sign of daftness is that many people who think they know me best don’t have a clue. And there are some people who figured me out in the first thirty seconds I knew them whom I would love to see in that assembly.
I slept badly last night, my back is sore and my neck is stiff. Pollen is driving my sinuses bonkers right now. I pulled a muscle in my shoulder doing yard work and I’m still wearing yesterday’s socks (ugh). I have to deal with the possibility of canceling my tour, or at least scaling it back, due in no small part to an 89 cent burrito from Taco Bell that almost laid me out. It’s bad when you see strips of your own stomach lining. I felt like a starfish.
But I am resolute and working hard to finish the CD and get myself in the best shape I can for touring. I am working hard on my emotional hygiene, as that will be more important than anything in my making it to and through the Evangelist Tour. I am asking a lot from myself. More than ever before.
I pondered taking a lover, but Karla, of all people, smacked me upside the head and reminded me that without the spiritual aspect, it would do me more damage than good. Of course, she’s gotten some more recently than me, says one side of me, looking to shout her down.
I got cute yesterday and made "flair" on FaceBook of all my CD and book covers, sans one which I withheld out of respect for the feelings of a few people who would not hesitate to butcher me in public if they thought it would ease their personal pain. You should, if on FaceBook, swing by and get some…and sign up as my friend, I can always use more friends, even if you haven’t yet passed the test (no one has, so don’t sweat it, I just sleep with one eye open and am tougher than I look).
My son, Elric, is helping me with the music for the final tracks for the Evangelist CD. That is exciting, in many, many ways. And, if you haven’t been over on Amomancer in a while, or don’t like the tone of the malediction poems, wait a few days and strap in…there’s something coming up that will melt the icecaps and dry up Iowa. At the same time.
105 in the Valley
Posted by William F. DeVault | Filed under Journal, Karla Sasser, politics, the Selke
The heat persists. I am slowly regaining my strength (the pain is pretty overwhelming, though) and decided to drag my sorry ass to the nearest computer to check in with all and wade through my email.
I found out the following, in short order:
- Some individual wanted to apologize to me for having been mislead as to a quotation from me (someone else had told them that they were the originator). Not sure what the quote was, but if they think that’s the only case of plagiarism of my work I have been apprised of, I have news for them. Nonetheless, very classy to apologize.
- I can get a much larger penis by trusting my credit card number to someone who uses stolen email addresses to advertise their drugs and who can’t even spell my name right.
- The lady in the poodle skirt has a very, very dirty mind. This is a good thing.
- Despite a semester of Russian in college, I can’t read Russian advertisements for porn sites.
- Selkes, by their very nature, are slippery.
- Karla still likes the Braves.
- Banks I have never even heard of insist on asking me to go to a third party site and enter my account number for them, along with my password, Mother’s maiden name and zip code.
- Some childhood friend has bought into the Obama = deep cover agent for Muslim extremists conspiracy theory.
- I typo’d "sewer" in an online interview.
- Viagra has hundreds of different official sites, all of which write me under different stolen email addresses.
So, all in all, I was (for the most part) better off staying in bed and moaning.
I am getting stronger and will fill everyone in on the upside of my trip as strength allows.
~so while hanging out in your corner...