City of Legends

Originally posted to a friend’s blog, these drew so many hits that it crashed her server.  We’ll see how it goes here…

Ladies, ever wonder what it takes to get a man to "go home" with you?  I present you the list of sure-fire pickup lines that will get any and all but the most fussy, discriminating or already hopelessly in love man to be putty in your hands…okay, not putty…well, at least not for the first 15-20 seconds.

*"Hi" (This line works on 95% of all males, who just need you to acknowledge their existence to assume you want them)

*"My younger sister and I have been wanting to try a threesome ever since she graduated Catholic high school last year. Would you be willing to help us?" (This works on those remaining 5%)

*"Buy me a drink and I’ll mount you like a lumberjack." (Best delivered naked and/or with exaggerated pelvic motions)

*"You have no idea the burden it is being a supermodel and a virgin." (Works best if you look like a supermodel, but most guys presume any woman over 5′7" is a supermodel)

*"I have video games in my bedroom"  (I have heard of people actually using this line, or variants)

*"I won’t even ask your name." (This works well on married men, celebrities and escaped convicts)

*"You may be a total wanker, but I can change that for one night." (A touch sarcastic, but charitable)

*"Premature ejaculation makes me hot." (Younger men appreciate the grace)

*"I have beer in my car." (Some guys have really weird priorities…)

*"I’ll tell your friends you were fantastic, regardless of how you really were." (Underachievers like good press)

*"My real name is Denise, but my stage name is Viagra McHoover." (A bit subtle, perhaps)

*"My boyfriend cheated on me last week with my best friend. Do you have any good ideas as to how I could get back at him?" (Slow witted men may have problems with this one, but if you draw them a picture…)

*"Whatever you’re thinking of, the answer is ‘Yes’" (This helps them get over their fear of rejection)

So there it is, ladies. Now you can finally go down to the local pub, biker bar or college fraternity house with a real chance at waking up tomorrow with a headache, no underwear and a raging case of something there is no known medical cure for.

Good hunting!

A little something for my hardcore fans, who complain I have been neglecting them of late.

sonnet of a vision

I have cast my blistered spirit out to
wander among the trees where the shadows
shield me and once healed me of the bled blue
that stained the chained solemn golem as rose
the moon I’d seen with eyes too wide and died
just a little to find my hands fell back
reaching to the pale blue seas without tide
where I’d thought I’d dreamt seeing you look back.
Where I’d thought I’d dreamt seeing you waiting
for me to speak in a voice made weaker
by the thin air in the heavens, singing
your song, a hymn so grim and the speaker
told us only of love, as it should be
anytime or where your name comes free.

William F. DeVault. all rights reserved.
for Candy, who knows the path and the goal.

My relationship with Candy is a fairy-tale romance come true.

I just had to say that, so she (and you, dear reader) know how I feel.

William has been sifting through our correspondence in search of poems for inclusion in his upcoming book ‘As Such‘. By now you’ve probably established that (a) we like each other a lot (understatement of the century); and (b) there is nothing we don’t share with each other (n-o-t-h-i-n-g).

One of the many adorable Williamisms that I’ve had the pleasure of growing accustomed to, is the way he thinks out loud to me… something which strikes me as an extension of his natural ability to communicate, together with the supernatural connection between us (I keep thinking ‘how incredible God’s plan?’.)

Anyway, last week as he re-read our old letters, he re-sent me whole conversations we’d had, to which he annexed footnotes about his present thoughts on them. How adorable?! One of these ‘recycled’ conversations included a poem I’d written 6 years ago, upon first discovering him on Authors Den in 2002. Here it is, in the context of our conversation of 21 November 2007:

I was going through some old writing from 2002 when I found something I wrote shortly after I ‘met’ you on AD:

 

observing
from afar
admiring
at a safe
distance
i fall
at the feet
of the god
sexually
wise
subliminally
innocent
he fingers me
without touch
i am a flame
trembling
feeling alive
wired
and needing
desperately
to smoke
the moment.

It’s dated 28 February 2002. Evidence that you’ve been with me all along.

I found my own words so revealing, so telling. . . because I’ve been known to speculate about love with the best of the skeptics among us. A brief glance through most of the things that I’ve ever written will bear this out. I had been one of the cynics, one of the cautious; my walls had been built a long time ago.

But when I fell in love with a man who I consider to be, quite simply, the other side of me, it was as if I remembered how to love again. Swept off my feet by the sheer power of emotion, when we initially got together, the whole thing took me quite by surprise.

I still cannot completely comprehend the depth of feeling and the synchronicty between us because much of it is wholly inexplicable. Inexplicable and miraculous and passionate and wicked!

Hell, half the time I’m amused at my own romanticism. The other half, I’m so madly in love with the poet that I can think of nothing else. Nothing.

Life is good. William is awesome.

There’s an understanding between our hearts, the poet’s heart and mine. It’s the kind of understanding for which you cannot plan; and when it comes, it keeps you in a continual state of wonder at the beauty of it all. It has made a believer out of me.

Not too long ago, my tagline was ‘natural-born romantic, man-made cynic’.

What amazes me most is that I could never have anticipated the depth of the shift in my perspective. After all the years of struggling for independence and freedom, here I am building my world around someone… not because I must, or because it is expected, but because my world is more beautiful this way.

Loving him makes me real.

—————-
Now playing: Alison Krauss; Union Station - When You Say Nothing at All
via FoxyTunes

Wonderful eats a tomato - only because you mentioned that tomatoes are your favourite thing to put on toast. It calls you at two in the afternoon - just to hear your voice. It laughs at your jokes when they aren’t funny. Wonderful listens to you breathing and doesn’t try to fill the space with words. It exposes its vulnerabilities and knows you can be trusted with its charms.

Wonderful is what finds you after your journey has led you to question its existence. In the instant when you honestly believe you’ll never know it, it reveals itself. It comes gently, tenderly like rain in the night. And you wake up one morning to discover that it has been keeping the earth in place among the stars.

I just composed this here, in the blog window…its my inner romantique letting me know he’s still alive. up to his ass in demons, but that’s nothing new.

love is. and that’s as good a place to start from as any theology or philosphy.

——————————————————–

A Truth Without a Doubt

these are naught but moments, daisychained into the night.
captured by the rapture of what we find in morning light.
stay with me and find the dawn, an epic that goes on and on,
a dream without a waking, a truth without a doubt.

love is but a riddle we have nothing to rely on for a clue.
I have seen my questions, answered all in the mere presence of you.
I’ve met prophets and pretenders, the basest of offenders,
all of them forsaking what life is really all about.

reeling from the healing touch of such a simple kiss,
we just undress to express the perfection of our bliss.
words are still required, in time, to demonstrate a number prime,
two becoming one when we become within what we can’t live without.

William F. DeVault. all rights reserved