City of Legends

Originally posted to a friend’s blog, these drew so many hits that it crashed her server.  We’ll see how it goes here…

Ladies, ever wonder what it takes to get a man to "go home" with you?  I present you the list of sure-fire pickup lines that will get any and all but the most fussy, discriminating or already hopelessly in love man to be putty in your hands…okay, not putty…well, at least not for the first 15-20 seconds.

*"Hi" (This line works on 95% of all males, who just need you to acknowledge their existence to assume you want them)

*"My younger sister and I have been wanting to try a threesome ever since she graduated Catholic high school last year. Would you be willing to help us?" (This works on those remaining 5%)

*"Buy me a drink and I’ll mount you like a lumberjack." (Best delivered naked and/or with exaggerated pelvic motions)

*"You have no idea the burden it is being a supermodel and a virgin." (Works best if you look like a supermodel, but most guys presume any woman over 5′7" is a supermodel)

*"I have video games in my bedroom"  (I have heard of people actually using this line, or variants)

*"I won’t even ask your name." (This works well on married men, celebrities and escaped convicts)

*"You may be a total wanker, but I can change that for one night." (A touch sarcastic, but charitable)

*"Premature ejaculation makes me hot." (Younger men appreciate the grace)

*"I have beer in my car." (Some guys have really weird priorities…)

*"I’ll tell your friends you were fantastic, regardless of how you really were." (Underachievers like good press)

*"My real name is Denise, but my stage name is Viagra McHoover." (A bit subtle, perhaps)

*"My boyfriend cheated on me last week with my best friend. Do you have any good ideas as to how I could get back at him?" (Slow witted men may have problems with this one, but if you draw them a picture…)

*"Whatever you’re thinking of, the answer is ‘Yes’" (This helps them get over their fear of rejection)

So there it is, ladies. Now you can finally go down to the local pub, biker bar or college fraternity house with a real chance at waking up tomorrow with a headache, no underwear and a raging case of something there is no known medical cure for.

Good hunting!

I’ve gotten a few comments from people who’ve noticed that I’m packing an EXPLICIT label on my iTunes podcasts. They want to know why.

Yeah, for a guy whose raciest works might be on a plane with a book in the Holy Bible (Song of Solomon) it’s tough accepting the notion that there are people who consider my stuff unfit for the kiddies. I recall a few years back when an invitation to speak to a Christian Writers group was withdrawn because I was hosting the Romantic and Erotic Poetry Group on AOL. It seems Christians don’t ever have sex or make love. Ever. Yeah, and they don’t go to war, execute prisoners or cheat on their tax forms (let’s not even start on that whole "Should a Christian own a radar detector" issue, shall we?)

Truth us, within the bond of marriage, Chrstians are completely free to express themselves sexually, and that means that compared to the other topics I just mentioned, it’s the only clean zone.

Yeah, I’m a Christian…there are those around me, even friends and family, who do not approve of or accept my decision to join the Society of Friends (Quakers)…but that’s because the level of awareness in modern society of what this group stands for is roughly akin to those 1st Century groups who thought that Christians were a sect of cannibalistic Jews (because they ate the flesh and drank the blood of their Messiah as part of their rituals…) I’m with the Quakers because I believe that Jesus did teach about non-violence and telling the truth, more succinctly than abortion, adultery, or whether or not to place the Ten Commandments on public property.

So, I placed the EXPLICIT label to make sure that anyone who wants to indulge their whim for outraged hypocrisy has a moving target in me.

Now, go play in traffic. I’m busy.