City of Legends

If you’ve ever watched the film "Wanted" with James McAvoy, Angelina Jolie and Morgan Freeman?  McAvoy’s character achieves a sort of an epiphany in the course of the story, and the film ends with him addressing the change in his life.

I understand and relate to his words, even though I am not a man of violence, as his character becomes.  I’m not so much into the final line, but in the entire soliloquy, especially when he addresses taking back control of his life from all the corrupting and distracting elements that had always sought to manipulate, use and abuse him.

I always believed enough in myself, my intellect and abilities, to believe that I could walk into a random event and still come out the other side in a good position.  One of the best friends I ever had used to marvel at the fact that I had never stepped outside of society to live by my wits alone.  I didn’t have a good answer for him, aside from the fact that I had just always played within the confines of the game.

Some would call that cowardice, or a constellation of cowardices and fears.  Some would call it arrogance (believing that I could step into an existing framework and still win).  I don’t have a good answer to that.  Some have called me too passive, others too cruel.  Some think I am a bully, a victim, a hedonist or a saint.  Again, I can’t answer that question to the satisfaction of anyone, including myself.  Certainly the partial ignorances and arrogances of others drive their perception.  Knowing only what they themselves have seen or said or heard in rumour.  It is a source of occasional bemusement and constant annoyance to me.  The fact that I am, in some cases, proscribed from correcting false impressions due to a rather Gordian code of honor only makes the conflicts more vivid.  I know people in this world who despise me out of ignorance, but to correct those misconceptions would bring harm to others. 

My son, Elric, has recently taken to posing the question of who he is, of how he would be defined and perceived.  Not unusual when you are 15.  Not unusual when you lack the focus of the truly driven.  His twin brother, Dante, is more like a laser-beam in his drive to excel, academically, and thus has less time for self-contemplation.  There are times I think I, and certainly Elric, should envy him. 

I do think I have gotten a bit lazy, allowing forces and people around me to dictate my agenda.  While this seems just good manners to some, not wanting to create conflict, it also means I am operating well below the red line.  No one benefits in the long run when I sit in the back row.

So, I need to reach deep, tap in to those last few thermonuclear reactions at my core, and take control of my life and environment.  I need to take back control.  It won’t be easy.  It won’t necessarily be very popular with some.  But it is the thing that is necessary, for me not live as a hypocrite.

Took a long lunch and took in Wanted.  Very nice, although not for the children.  Back to work.

Already getting comments back from my previewers.  Susan Sonnen praised the clips, but singled out Kitabu for special praise.  I figure several will go that way, Kitabu has a purity to it, the other two may suffer a bit from over-production (just wait until you hear Evangelist, the track).  I will be most interested in seeing how the people who live in Africa feel about it. 

See, getting the tracks out early paid off…had I waited until the deadline, a mere 80 minutes ago, I most likely would not already have feedback.

Very weird patterns of access the last few days on my sites, very weird.  I can say no more without making some people get alarmed as to who is up to what, but it is intriguing.  Me, I just keep my re-entry surfboard heat-shield side down.  I get through by accelerating.  My adrenal cortex is pumping 12 Molar nitric acid by now…and I am beyond getting used to it, I think I am addicted to it.  Barring an emotional jolt on the level of a thermonuclear blast, not sure I can alter this arc.  Besides, it focuses my mind and keeps it off the withered limb still clinging to the third rail of emotion.  I feel like the keyboard runs at the end of Karn Evil 9, Movement Three.

Love is the greatest of all things, but without the will to use it and live it, it’s just a word.

Traded Van Morrison lyrics with Karla by SMS while waiting for the film.  Took me down a bit.  There is still a great beast within me, angry and confused, and I am not sure I am bleeding him off fast enough.  I get flashes of anger when startled, when the control slips.